sitting at my computer

i have things to do. it is time for a blog once again but i feel i have little to say. in order to properly slack on my commitment i am playing freecell and listening to music. after a sandwich that i have made, i felt nauseous so i got up to refill my glass with juice. i then realized i had a chocolate covered halvah bar in my frig! i tried to remind myself that i have a friend coming over later and i should save it for him. there is not even a pause as i pulled it from the butter compartment and started to unwrap it. it is truly a delicious sesame treat. there was an apartment in brooklyn that i knew about that had a few of these delightful treats hiding in various places throughout the apartment. were they hidden from the son who was known to gobble them up or were they placed just out of the prying eye of the wife who wanted her husband to stick to his diet? i tried to savor the taste of this chocolate bar on my taste buds but mouth devoured it without any mercy. it is gone. my tongue swivels around my mouth in search of a tiny morsel but i am unable to recapture what was just there moments ago.

do i know you?

so i was working with this guy today who kept talking to me about nothing i wanted to talk about. i was busy trying to do my crossword puzzle. normally i would talk with people if i had a chance but when someone starts off talking to me about my looks it doesn't sit with me well. he went on and on about how beautiful california is even though he has never been there. he asked me know long it would take to drive from california to minnesota and when i told him it would take days he didn't seem to believe me. he also asked me about this coworker who is now a special officer and he asked me if he was my boyfriend. i told him that was a personal question. he also told me i must live in queens because all people from california move to queens when they come to new york. i think he has been following me. he was trying to get me to compare california and new york city. then he said there is nothing in new york but time square. i named all these places to go: bronx zoo, battery park, museums, fleshing meadows, etc. but he wanted some place fun. so i mentioned coney island. he has only been there once. um if he thinks new york city is not fun he needs to open his eyes. i am so glad that i had other things to do during the shift so that i didn't have to deal with him the whole time. i ended up sneaking out early so that i could get away from him. that was my day how was yours?

should i stay up with you all night?

i woke up late last night for work. i normally get up at 10pm to get ready for work and i woke up at 10:30pm. i rushed to the bathroom only to find the door closed and hear my roommate taking a bath. i called out his name but he did not hear me. i was annoyed. i tried to make as much noise as i could while i got ready. i was thinking i should yell out to him to get out so i could shower and brush my teeth. but i did not. i wasn't sure if he was alone or if he was bathing with someone. i can handle not showering for a day but i also had to go pee like there was no tomorrow. not true but it felt like it was that bad. anyway, he got out after i was pretty much dressed. that was when i rushed in to go pee. then he had the nerve to ask if i was going to be long!! dude i just got in here!! i said i was not going to be long. it was true. i was quick. why? stupid reasons. i rushed out for HIM!! as if he has more rights to be in the bathroom than i do. anyway, i said something to him about me need the bathroom and then he realized his mistake. (i would have written mistake in french but i can't spell in french). he said i should have kicked him out. i was running too late anyway so it didn't matter that he was in the bathroom. at least i got to go pee. i was planning to go to work having to go and i am so glad i didn't have to. anyway, hopefully he won't let it happen again. or i will have to go medieval on his ass.
the rest of my journey to work was not the greatest. it didn't go terribly wrong just not as smooth as i would have liked. you know catching all the trains as they came into the station, getting a great post, seeing all your favorite people...you know..stuff like that. but now i am home and i am going to bed soon. i might eat cause i am hungry.

i keep thinking i'm going to change

so it seems i am the same old person i was two days ago. well, the same person i was 33 years ago. i would like to think i have changed but i am the same girl making the same mistakes. i would like a healthy relationship but i keep going after the wrong guys. i had made progress by showing interested with someone who is actually single and NOT someone i work with. these are major steps for me. however, i don't get the chance to talk to him as much as i would like, he wants to take things slow as if its going to get any better and i'm not sure what we have in common. i think he is a very nice guy. at least he talks to me unlike some of the men from my past. i ask him a question and he answers me in a complete sentence. my concern is that if this relationship is not going to go in the direction that i want it to go then i think i should end it now. i definitely do not want to drag it out. however, i think its nice to have someone around during the holidays. i guess i better get serious and talk to him about what i want. a change in me would be me walking away from this relationship without looking back. i don't know. a part of me wants to have some fun and other part of me wants to stop setting myself up for a fall. lots of people tell me i should start looking at online dating. now that would be a dramatic change for me. i am starting to consider it. best wishes to us all!

in the middle of something for the holiday season

lately i have been thinking about sending out chirstmas cards. i have a list of people i want to send them too. i also have a few more people i would like to send cards to but i don't have their addresses. i might have to do the unthinkable and call them up for their addresses. i am also thinking of giving some cards out to the people at work. i might want to think that idea through a little longer.
so this is the time when people start asking me what i am going to do for the holidays. i have nothing to do. i have absolutely no plans. i am going to work. that is what i am going to do. people don't actually ask me to join them for the holidays. i did it a few times over the years. i had thanksgiving with some people the first year i moved to new york and a few other thanksgivings i hung out with people i didn't know. it was nice to at least be with others. if i didn't go home for chirstmas then i spent it alone. i can handle being on my own. i can definitely make the best of it. of course it is nice to be with others. i'm just not the kind of person to invite myself over to join people during the holiday season.

coming right back at me

so i have been attempting to blog more often and so far it hasn't been too hard. of course coming up with different things to write about can be a challenge. i have told more people about my blogs and some have read them. the problem is they throw what i say in my blogs back in my face. i don't say anything that i am ashamed of but i do try to write in code about some people and apparently those that read my blogs have been able to decode my messages and want to point them out. i don't like this. i try to keep parts of my life private or at least the people that i write about a secret and i guess its not working. i might have to stop talking about the people in my life to give them some privacy. of course that is not what i want. i would like to be able to talk about anything that comes to mind. i know i already censor myself but i don't want to start limiting my thoughts even more. i wonder if i should be more selective about who i tell to read my blogs. i just thought that the more who read them the more chance for feedback. i guess overall i should not be too concerned about what people have to say about what i blog about or the people in my life. i can take the constructive criticism without getting bent out of shape over it. now that i have gotten that off my chest i'm ready for it to be thrown back at me.

am i really online?

i have not been connected for days and i am not even sure how long it will last until i am disconnected. currently i am sharing the internet with my house mate Jonas. we have not figured out how we both can use the internet at the same time. so for the time being when i am using it he finds something else to do and vise versa. when i attempted to post a few moments ago it had disconnected me so i am worried it will do it again. i am sure we will figure it out. until then i am trying to do all the stuff i need to do online before i have to get off. it might be my last time.
anyway, today i have tried to unpack my stuff. its not easy cause i mostly want to just hide my things. i don't want them to be out for all to see. its taken me all day to figure out how i want my bed to go. i feel i have limited choices. especially since i want it by the window. i guess i will have to think of something because i want this room to be in order by the time i go to work. its asking a lot but it can be done.

we don't talk about that

it is calm and i am wondering where it will head. i miss the color of her skin and i wonder if i will ever be that dark again. i blow kisses in the air hoping they land on his cheek. i want him to be glad i am around. i want him to miss me when i am not. i want them all to miss me when i am gone. he said i like attention and i must admit that i do. it was here last week. i had lots of attention. it was here two weeks ago. i remember because it kept me wake all night. now i am alone. i am sitting on a step stool missing the attention. we want it to be about something else. we want our hate to leave us and to be filled with love instead. but i rushed quickly into his arms before checking to see if they were open to me. i wanted to believe that they were open to me. the truth is that they were never open. just my heart that longed for the gentle kindness that he showed me so long ago.

on the move

in a few days i will be moving to another apartment in Astoria. i have to mentally prepare myself for it or i will find myself with a ton of work to do the day before i move if not the day of the move. last night i forced myself to part with a few dozen pairs of shoes. i debated about it for minutes before i stuffed them into a bag and put them on the curb. i rarely wear any of the shoes so i should not have any separation anxiety over it. i just hope that if anyone does go through the garbage and they find my shoes that they will find a pair they like and make a good home for them. now i have to tackle my drawer. i have more socks than an average girl like me should have clogging up her space. i also have more stuff animals than i should ever admit. the plan is to sneak them out to goodwill when no one is looking. of course all this work that i have ahead of me for my move requires me to skip the gym for yet another week. the sacrifices i make to keep this move on track. such is the life!

what happened to the heat

i am already missing the west coast. it was so hot while i was over there. that's the great thing about california, i can always count on it being hot for me. i brought a jacket but i didn't need it. it's only here in new york that i need anything to keep the chill away. i think it was in the 30's today and i wore a dress cause i had nothing to wear. i had some major washing to do today. now i can wear my wool pants like a sane person. i am so glad i got to go to mexico and work on my tan. i just wish i had more time to work on it before traveling back to the icy part of the world. i'm trying to bust a move in my freezing apartment so i can work up a sweat. i'll probably end up taking a hot shower to bring back the feeling back to my feet. at least my blue toes match my blue fingers.

forced to bend over

today i have to spend my time with chris boghosian. he's insisting that I creat more blogs so that people can benefit from my genius. i don't want to have to tell him that i have to go pee. i think this project of ours is going to benefit me more than i realize. i am going to benefit from it and i'm hoping a handsome stranger is going to read this blog and he'll inquire about me. and we will soon be married with tattoos of our names on one another's ring fingers.