we don't talk about that

it is calm and i am wondering where it will head. i miss the color of her skin and i wonder if i will ever be that dark again. i blow kisses in the air hoping they land on his cheek. i want him to be glad i am around. i want him to miss me when i am not. i want them all to miss me when i am gone. he said i like attention and i must admit that i do. it was here last week. i had lots of attention. it was here two weeks ago. i remember because it kept me wake all night. now i am alone. i am sitting on a step stool missing the attention. we want it to be about something else. we want our hate to leave us and to be filled with love instead. but i rushed quickly into his arms before checking to see if they were open to me. i wanted to believe that they were open to me. the truth is that they were never open. just my heart that longed for the gentle kindness that he showed me so long ago.

on the move

in a few days i will be moving to another apartment in Astoria. i have to mentally prepare myself for it or i will find myself with a ton of work to do the day before i move if not the day of the move. last night i forced myself to part with a few dozen pairs of shoes. i debated about it for minutes before i stuffed them into a bag and put them on the curb. i rarely wear any of the shoes so i should not have any separation anxiety over it. i just hope that if anyone does go through the garbage and they find my shoes that they will find a pair they like and make a good home for them. now i have to tackle my drawer. i have more socks than an average girl like me should have clogging up her space. i also have more stuff animals than i should ever admit. the plan is to sneak them out to goodwill when no one is looking. of course all this work that i have ahead of me for my move requires me to skip the gym for yet another week. the sacrifices i make to keep this move on track. such is the life!

what happened to the heat

i am already missing the west coast. it was so hot while i was over there. that's the great thing about california, i can always count on it being hot for me. i brought a jacket but i didn't need it. it's only here in new york that i need anything to keep the chill away. i think it was in the 30's today and i wore a dress cause i had nothing to wear. i had some major washing to do today. now i can wear my wool pants like a sane person. i am so glad i got to go to mexico and work on my tan. i just wish i had more time to work on it before traveling back to the icy part of the world. i'm trying to bust a move in my freezing apartment so i can work up a sweat. i'll probably end up taking a hot shower to bring back the feeling back to my feet. at least my blue toes match my blue fingers.

forced to bend over

today i have to spend my time with chris boghosian. he's insisting that I creat more blogs so that people can benefit from my genius. i don't want to have to tell him that i have to go pee. i think this project of ours is going to benefit me more than i realize. i am going to benefit from it and i'm hoping a handsome stranger is going to read this blog and he'll inquire about me. and we will soon be married with tattoos of our names on one another's ring fingers.